you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
