Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
