speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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