Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize