I faked an abortion last night.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize