Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
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