ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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