So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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