Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm gonna have a badass scar
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
