Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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