i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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