This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
