If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
