I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My vagina just clenched in fear
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
