genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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