Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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