i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
