none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Pants 0. Shit 1.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
