My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
