He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
