I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize