so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I forget how to act sober
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
