very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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