Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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