I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I didn't notice because vodka
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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