I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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