Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Hippo gnu deer
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
