i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
