I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
