I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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