I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
is that a dick in a sweater?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
