I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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