Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
you never un-have a 4some
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
