I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Life without a bra equals bliss.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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