there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
