her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
