you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
