I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
