OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
