I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
