Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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