Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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