she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
