I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
