I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
