u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
