We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
