At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
