When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
