woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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