I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
