What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
