Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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