I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize