Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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