Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
