I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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