He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
