I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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