My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
