dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
