These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
